Faith & Religion

Heavy topic, huh? I thought maybe now would be a good time to fill you in on where I stand when it comes to Faith and Religion. This is a very sensitive subject so I apologize in advance if I offend anyone. I am simply trying to let you understand where I come from.

I did not grow up in a church. Before you go pointing fingers, let me tell you that my mom is a wonderful woman. Her belief was that I should grow up in a warm loving environment and be able to choose for myself when I got older where my path would lead. I totally respect her for this. Too often, I see people "converting" from one religion to another because they were brought up believing a certain way that they would not personally choose. I feel this is why she chose this for me.

From early on, I was very confused about the whole thing. When I was in my room at night, alone, was there really anyone listening to me? If so, how come the things I wanted didn't come to be? How could there be this great big being that nobody could see but was all powerful? As a child, answers to those questions were confusing. You just have to have faith. Well, what is faith? I dabbled a little here and there. Went to church with some friends. Still confused but doing what everybody else was doing. Going along with the crowd. I grew up in the "bible belt" so there were churches aplenty.

When I reached my pre-teen years, I started to notice things around me more. I noticed family dynamics and relationships. I noticed people who said one thing and did another. People who were supposed to be forgiving I found to be judgemental. I felt like I was scrutinized by certain members of my own family because I didn't believe the same way they did. I didn't go to the same church they did. I witnessed many fights break out between certain members of my family over this very topic. I just didn't feel like it was fair for someone to judge someone else because they didn't believe the same way. If there was one thing my momma taught me, it was that we are all equal. To the very core. That you may not agree with someone, but it is their right to have the opinions that they have. And I shouldn't look down on or belittle anyone because of it.

So there I was, a teenager, my own flesh and blood condemned me because I did not attend church and did not believe the same way he did. There were others in my school that were in FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) and were boozing every weekend and getting knocked up. Not my idea of trying to live a "pure" life. It made for a very bitter time in my life. I didn't want to be told "you must do this" or "you must believe that." I went through a couple of rocky relationships. I didn't believe anyone was looking out for me. Except for me.

Then I met someone. He wasn't religious either, but we shared some of the same values. When I got pregnant, things started to change. Then, my world was rocked to the core with the premature birth of Tater Bug and my near death experience that followed it. Something happened while I was in the hospital bed with a nearly fatal temperature. Infection was running throughout my body and being pumped everywhere via my blood. I had a vision/hallucination/experience. I really don't know what to call it. Maybe it was "seeing the light" I just don't know. I never will know. But I do know that somehow I made it through. I survived by the skin of my teeth. Something else was at work and I had to come to grips with what it was.

This post is getting long... To be continued....