Okay, so there I was, just after having Tater Bug. I found myself in a hospital 30 miles from him fighting for my own life. My temperature rose dangerously high and something happened. I don't remember a lot about that day but I do remember one thing. I believe it to be the "seeing the light" experience. Maybe it was the fever, but who knows. The experience went like this...
I was in the hospital bed but instead of convulsing and burning from the fever, I was just laying there. Wide awake and alert. All of my loved ones were there, dead and alive. Even my little guy who had only been in the outside world for 11 days. (Now, obviously, he could not have been there because he was still in the NICU.) I was happy... no, I was more than happy. I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of peace. Something I have never ever felt in my life. I asked the question "Is this heaven?" It didn't make sense to me. If it was heaven, then how come my living and well family was there? I didn't get an answer. I guess the answer came from deep down. I realized that I was already living it. I just had to look around. Heaven was right there with me the whole time. Instead of being a place of fluffy clouds and people in togas (yes, I know corny, but this had been my vision before this point of heaven) it was exactly what I wanted it to be. My whole, complete, family and friends. The ones I have loved, the ones I have lost, and the ones I barely knew were all there.
Needless to say, later that day, I came back to reality. But something was different. I felt like I had been given the gift of what was to come in my life and afterlife. I have and always will be a proof kind of girl. I need proof. Nobody could ever prove religion or faith to me. But there are things that can't be proved. For example... the wind. You know it is there. You can't see it. But you know it is there. Love. I can't prove my love for my family and friends. But, to me, it is undeniably there! It runs so deep it hurts. These are two examples of things I can not prove. And I can not prove to anyone that I "saw the light" either. But I know I did. And I know that ever since that day, I have tried to live my life a better person. What He would want me to be. Because, in all honesty, that is what we should all strive for. I have a greater love for people and those around me. I have more empathy than I have ever known. I have changed.
I haven't found a church yet. I hope to someday find one. I just want a place where I am not told you can't do this or you can't do that. I want a place that leads me to live the life that I was shown. I will find it. Someday. In the mean time, though, I will continue to work on my inner self. I will continue to reach out to other people and care. Care about someone else and what happens to them. Try to bring them the same feeling that I had on March 2, 2006.
So what am I? Christian? Baptist? Catholic? Muslim? Pentecostal? Presbyterian? Who knows?
Am I a believer? Absolutely. I tuck the proof into bed every night and give them kisses.
Much love,
I don't know what to say except I love you girl! You are so frick-fracking amazing! An inspiration! A breath of fresh air! I just plain 'ol love the snot out of you!!!!!! (I love this blog too, I love seeing your thoughtful brain in writing! It makes me smile every post!) ;) Love you, Bren
ReplyDeleteok, so how come I never knew about your "experience"....holding out, were you? glad you are finding your faith - in your own way!
ReplyDeleteIt was really cool to read your story...and to find out more about you. I hope you find the right church to join someday. It is a beautiful thing when you find the place that feels like home and you know is going to make you and your family stronger and happier. I've found that for myself and it makes my life complete. And it changes the way I see the world around me. I hope God blesses you and your precious family with the same gift. ANd by the way...the nicknames for your kids are totally cracking me up!
ReplyDeleteMy heart smiles to read your posts. I hated that you had to go through the NICU experience, but I'm glad you experienced this incredible event.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find a church you love. It took Round Eye and I a few years before we found one...and you can too. :)
Hugs,
Jac
Visiting from SITS. Loved your story and your courage to be so honest about such a sensitive topic. I hope you find what you are searching for. But, truthfully, I think you already have :)
ReplyDeletereading some background on you here!!
ReplyDeleteThis series of posts was very interesting to me. Having grown up "in the church", a vital part of "the church", it is eye opening to read someone else's experiences. I have never questioned "faith" or God, I just always knew that's the way it was! I have wondered how people who didn't grow up exposed to God ever came to believe what they do.
Great job! I look forward to reading some more!
I grew up Catholic and although I'm very thankful for my parent's dedication to church,I longed for something different.I wasn't looking for a new church according to it's denomination,I looked for one that taught the truth and values that I believe.It just so happens to be a Pentecostal church.The motto of our church "Come as you are but don't dare leave the same" Basically, we will never be God or Jesus, but everyday we should try to be as much like him as we can, which should be love, caring and understanding.During your search just remember,no matter where you go, you won't get away from certain types of people.There are judgemental people in church, there are those not living right in church.Don't be concerned with them, you aren't there for them.Sometimes they are there to put us through trials and make us stronger.I'm grateful for the wonderful people that I have met.Best wishes on your journey.
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