Breaking Out of the Abusive Cycle

As I was blog stalking this morning (Ahem) I found a blog that talked about emotional abuse. You know how you have memories that you bury so deep that you don't think about them day in and day out. But when something gets brought up, it kicks you in the gut. Well that happened to me today my friends.

I am a "fixer." If there is a problem, I like to jump in and fix it. Deal with it. Being a "fixer" has set me up for some not very good relationships in my life. I guess you would refer to it as being co-dependant or something. When I was in college, I met who I thought would be my future hubby. He was quiet. He seemed polite and caring. I really thought I had found my prince charming. For the first year of our courtship, we became best friends. I really didn't notice anything wrong. He seemed perfect.

After a while, though, things started to change. I noticed that he was all too eager to spend a night away from me here and there. And when he did, things just didn't seem right. I had just turned 21, so I was going through my whole drinking/partying phase. It didn't last too long. Maybe 6 months. When I got tired of it, I noticed that he didn't. In fact, alcohol went missing from time to time.

You can guess what my discovery ended up being. Mr. Perfect was, in fact, an alcoholic. He wasn't typical. He didn't drink every night, but when he drank, he consumed everything short of rubbing alcohol. And then passed out cold losing all control of bodily functions. Ahem.

Being the "fixer" that I am, I tried to help. We went to counseling, AA/Al-Anon meetings, abstained from drinking, etc... The way he acted when he was drunk was enough to repulse anyone. But I felt like if I gave up on him, somehow, I was the failure. I hid this "secret" from my friends and my parents. I didn't know what to do. Eventually, my anger took over. There were fights. Sometimes physical. The cops were involved more than I can count. I took out an Emergency Protective Order. Then a Domestic Violence Order. It was violated. He was sent to jail. But for some reason, I couldn't give up on him. As much as I hated him, I loved him too.

When we finally moved closer to my family, I found the courage to say enough is enough. After a DUI, I was forced to take him to work everyday. One day, I drove him to work, came home, packed up my stuff, and left. I never looked back. It was a very difficult time. My parents found out about the issues from having him stay with them for a period of time. It was embarrassing.

He showed up at my parents' house a few times. Drunk. Wanting me back. He called me. This went on for a few months and then it stopped. A couple of years back, he showed up at my parents' house but this time to make amends. Luckily, I am married and living elsewhere. He had gone onto marry someone else. She probably didn't know his secret when she married him. She left him. Last I heard, she was living in GA with her sister. She was supposed to come back and give it another go. I don't know how that turned out. Poor girl.

Those years with him were complete hell and I wouldn't want to go back to them EVER. He made me feel like I wasn't good enough to be with anyone else. He stole a piece of innocence from me that I will never get back. I resent him for that. A 22 year old shouldn't have to deal with stuff like this. I had my whole life ahead of me and I was stupid enough to waste years on him.

I found my prince charming. After I realized that I was in a never ending cycle of going out with the "fixer uppers." You shouldn't have to "fix" anyone. It wasn't until I realized that that I finally found my happily ever after! :)