I always pictured myself exactly where I am at... but I always thought my feelings of how I got there would be different. I also thought that my state of mind while being here would be different. Don't get me wrong, I am pretty sure I have it all. Two great kids that I love with all my heart. GM who despite my flaws loves me more now than when I married him. A house that we can call our own. Picture perfect.
How come there is a great big BUT nagging at the back of my mind? Is it the seventh year blahs? I don't know. I am struggling right now with the what if's.... Lots and lots of what if's. Am I one of those people who despite all they have in life can never be truly happy? I never considered myself that way. I always considered myself a "the glass is half full" person. But lately, with my cup being almost full, I am considering my life as "the glass is half empty." Why is this? Why can't I get over it? Why can't I be happy with what I do have instead of focusing on what I don't?
I need counseling. Plain and simple. To sort out everything inside me that I haven't gotten out. I know this. The problem is, with a house and kids, the funding is not there. We can't spare anything at this point. GM hasn't gotten a raise since he went back to his job. My pay increases are marginal. And unexpected expenses with kids makes it so hard to budget. But I really need it. Somehow I must find a way. Winter is always hard on us financially because GM doesn't have the extra income coming in like he does over the summer.
I need to talk to someone. Openly and honestly not holding anything at all back. And, unfortunately, I don't feel like I can share all that I need to share with anybody in my life. I don't want to be judged. And I want an unbiased opinion. I want someone to tell me what to do. I am tired of making decisions. That has to be the single most sucky thing about becoming an adult. Having to make decisions. I am tired of it.... tired.
Oh Aileigh I've been going through a rough time too. Counselors do help. Possibly you could find one that charges based on your income?
ReplyDeleteHi chicky! Don't give up on this, you've admitted in a pretty public forum that you want to move forward with counseling, now go out there and try to find it! There are counselors out there that charge on a sliding scale based on income. My heart aches that you are suffering and need someone unbiased to talk to...I know you'll find what you need! I'm here for you, ALWAYS & Forever. Love you, Bren
ReplyDeleteI love you too. Fell free to call and chat your little heart out. Also, a counselor won't tell you what to do. But I agree, I have it all, and sometimes I am soooo tired and just want to be taken care of and not have to be constantly thinking about what to do for me and my family. This Mommy stuff is no walk in the park! I find myself jealous of women who have grown kids and have free time on their hands. But at the same time, I don't want to wish away these years because I know that when they are gone, I will miss them (at least I hope I do).
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