Yes I have it. Yes I have struggled with it. Yes I know that going off of my medicine is NOT in my best interest.
Yet, I continue to convince myself when I am feeling halfway decent that I can handle it on my own. Besides, I have much to be thankful for. I am blessed. I have a great family. I have a house of my own. But when life throws me a wrench, instead of tightening the bolts, I just look at it dumbfounded not knowing what to do. Then the panic attacks start. Shouldn't this be a red flag that maybe something isn't right? However, I choose to ignore it. Why? Denial maybe. Who knows.
Yesterday, as I was waiting in the center lane to turn left into the doctor's parking lot to get my coumadin checked I looked to the right. There was Crestview Nursing Home. The parking lot that only a month ago I lost complete control of my emotions. The place where I cried like a baby in my mom's arms. The place where I lost a man that I considered more of a father than a grandfather. So there I am, flooding with emotions about to have a nervous breakdown in the center lane of traffic.
I succumbed yesterday.
I couldn't take any more.
It was time.
The logical part of my brain knows that I am better on my medicine. The logical part knows that I should not "try" to go off of it. But for some reason, I don't listen. I mean, I have preached the choir about doing what the doctor says to do. To everyone except myself. Why is it so hard for me to follow doctor's orders? Maybe it is the simple fact knowing that I will have to take medicine the REST OF MY LIFE! I hate that! I hate it because that simple fact will keep me from EVER having another baby. I think that is the underlying root of the problem. I don't want to give that up yet. I don't feel done. But I know that if I ever try to rationalize the subject with my husband or my mother, I will be shot down. I have been threatened. Repeatedly. They are on the same team! And that just makes me sad. Which helps fuel the depression. The endless cycle....
So now I am back on my medicine. It takes about a week or two for me to feel better. If you are lucky, maybe I won't blog between now and then so I don't have another seriously depressing post like this one! ;)
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